omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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