ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
