They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
