hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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