so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
