did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
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Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
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But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
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