i love accidental penises.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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