fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
