He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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