Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
