open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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