How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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