my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
