just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
