so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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