My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
