So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
