There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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