oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
