I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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