People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
