at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
