I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
