Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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