i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
