just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
