someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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