I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
