Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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