i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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