Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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