bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
