Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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