Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
