I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
