you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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