at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
