Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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