um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
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I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
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he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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