She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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