i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
