Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
