I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
