Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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