He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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