It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think my vagina is haunted
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
