One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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