i would punch a child for taco bell
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
MIDGETS
????
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
