I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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