yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
