Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
