We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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