jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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