3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm always down for nudity.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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