I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Randomize
