first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
