Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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