He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Someone shattered a urinal.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
