i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
